Time is an illusion, lunch time doubly so.

Dear Slapujude,
Still lingering here and not going for lunch. I haven't told you about this recent piece of advice half jokingly and half seriously given to me independently from different individuals—‘maybe you want to switch faculty?' Or, ‘come join us in Psychology/sociology/literature/whatever.' It's fun and heart warming to realize how people do recognize the other side (the non-science side) of me, but as an after-thought, it's frightening to register the fact that others see where my heart truly lies more clearly than I do. To look back and stare hard through the blurring mist of the years, I see a child me enthusiastically exploring life, biological life. She catches cicadas, keeps silkworms and bugs, takes care of chickens and ducks all year round, chases dogs and cats and pigs and geese and anything there is to chase. But she was not made to be a scientist even from then. If she was, she would probably have dissected animals when they died, or killed them for that purpose, in cold blood; she'd picked the legs of the bugs to examine them; she'd inject weird stuff into small mammals to test out little theories; or maybe not all the cruel tricks that only heartless boys would do, only gentle probing and inquiring would make a potential scientist. But it's all wrong for me. When the silkworm moths mated and died soon after, when the ducks and chickens died because they couldn't cope with urban life, when the dog was killed and cooked, when the green caterpillar was accidentally crushed on road, I burst out crying. It's Life I am in love with, the Force, the entanglements, the whole mystery of it. I wondered if cicadas are contented hermit-like creatures when they spent their seven dark years in the safety of the soil? I wondered if certain hens felt happiness when they fell asleep in my laps? It would be nice to learn that cicadas and mushrooms are made up of about the same stuff, and the function of the double eyelids of chickens. To get an idea of the interlinkages and the intricate details of the design of the Big Picture. But my life won't be at great loss without such knowledge.
So why did I choose science? Because I wish to know life, biological life, as it is, and probably approach Truth, if there is one, from that angle. Yes, yes, a classic, politically correct answer. But a truer, more well hidden answer (hidden from myself mainly) would be, because science is at best a second hobby of mine. Never make a favorite hobby into a career; never make a lover into a husband. So I am following exactly that, keeping arts as lover and science as husband. And the thrill and agony and anguish and fatigue and whatever comes of living a double life inevitably follows. The conflict of feelings is really tearing my heart apart, and this first term of university had suffered every consequence of that. I guess I am going to score quite well for all my arts courses, and am lucky if I discover I didn't flunk my organic chemistry after all. Life science has become an estranged husband, been neglected, and indifferent to the fact too. All the dusty tomes on the shelf…and the dream to go to the States has grown remote, if not yet out of reach. I planned my life, only to break out of the box and start another one. Why wouldn't I live true to my heart, go to some remote parts of the world, say Ceylon, say Eastern Europe, say Argentina, or Burma, and make a decent living teaching Chinese and middle school subjects, or open a petit restaurant serving genuine Hubei food, or a small bookshop like Kathleen Kelly does in You've got mail, and write, and travel if I am lucky to have money to spare? It's almost impossible at this point in time to visualize myself in a stern white lab coat pouring all my time into some very-probably-commercially-oriented experiment in a sterile lab, pressing buttons and writing reports that are of interest to less than 0.001% of humanity, and which may or may not open a Pandora's box and let hell break loose. I really don't know now. Maybe I should go on with my degree earning and become a science fiction writer later. The only worry is, after going through all the repackaging of the brains I'll never be able to write witty, crazy stuff again, never something like “time is an illusion, lunch time doubly so” from the Hitchhikers' guide to the galaxy by good old Douglas Adams…I'll send you the files some day.
To be continued. Now lunch.
Stickyjady.


评论/留言
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作者：Stickyjady　　时间：2004-11-28 15:11:56
Dear Slap, Feeling much better today. Chance encountered a friend on msn in the morning; had always known each other since primary school days through junior high, but hardly ever talked, which fortunately didn't prevent us from appreciating each other a lot. I appreciate her anyway, her personality, talents, what and how she went through in life (she lost her father to some terminal disease some years back. I only knew of it quite recently. C'est la vie.) She sent me pictures of a gorgeous stone stamp she carved as a birthday present for friend, and a photo of one of her paintings, which I'll show you someday. Munch-ish and beautiful. She's taking some acting and directing course (isn't she a physics major? I gotta confirm that…now you see a trend in the friends I make…all weirdoes! hahaha) and agonizing over a piece of acting assignment due tomorrow. Then I thought of our own individual pains and struggles, and how they are necessarily and importantly part of the human condition, the experience, the existence. For aspiring writers (ahem is that us?) sampling the whole range of emotions is, needless to say, essential. So it might be good that we constantly get rollercoaster rides of emotions right now, and I am grateful. Yesterday I was going to write a short poem-oid thing titled ‘shell-shocked, on the battlefield of Love' then dinner and tennis got in the way…maybe I'll write that tomorrow, maybe not until next shellshock comes. A mirage is beautiful in its own being, albeit a short and intangible one. Though it's impossible to capture it in our hands, it's undeniable that our mind' eye once and forever behold it.

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作者：Slappujudu　　时间：2004-11-28 0:49:43
Dear Stick, I tried to put myself in your shoes, imagining i was sitting in front of your computer, chatting to that very special someone, he not knowing any dissapointment but his own, not knowing a long shadow that bear a heart''s heaviness. i''m really sad knowing he couldn''t make it and of course you''re right saying he''s not to blame. are you that quilt i laid out waiting for a shower iin sunshine and i had to carry it back in realizing it was just a grey gloomy day. maybe there''ll be chance of sunshine some other day when u expect it least. i''m really glad something else like this slapstick blog makes you happy and masks your dissapointment even for a while. i''m really not good at consoling words, but yes! we have this blog.

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作者：Stickyjady　　时间：2004-11-27 17:05:35
Dear Slap, Remember what I told you about my December plans and how much it's a sun I run towards through the bleak months of October and November for the promise and warmth it holds? Now it turns out it's just another cold mirage of oasis in my desert. He can't make it. And I don't blame him, for we are no God of our own lives. We chatted on good humouredly, he said he felt disappointed and I consoled him and told him to think positively, and said nothing about my own disappointment, contained within like a good old stoic fool. I really felt relieved in the first few moments, that all my restlessness concerning the planning and practical aspects of travelling is gone. Maybe like the Faye robot in 2046 I am just way too slow in responding to stimulus. And only moments later did I feel a permeating melancholy/really black bile descending and enclosing me, and tears swore up and streamed down, all the time we are discussing translation, businesslike. I've been uncontrollably sobbing as it is for the past half hour, and thinking about what we talked about this morning, this newly born blog and our zest. Reading your post a smile managed to break through the thick mist of tears. Thanks dude, you unknowingly pulled me through a difficult time, and yes, we have the blog and slap&stick gonna rule.

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作者：Slappujudu　　时间：2004-11-27 14:49:22
dear stick, i hate this server, they lost the long post i just wrote these are the last few sentences i said, regardless of wat i wrote prior don''t worry about sicence, we''ll know when we get there. and i''m somehow so much happier now the blog''s come into being. maybe you''re enjoying it just as much and our life''s definitely gonna be tenfold better than jekyll n hyde, we''re slap n stick.